Regret Read online

  “Exactly right.”

  Numb. I feel numb. What should I feel? What emotion do I fall back on when all of them threaten to overtake me at once? Anger, frustration, sadness, relief, and regret. They’re all there, pushing to surface as the big picture finally comes into focus.

  This is the reason for her hate. This is the reason for her bitterness.

  “You can’t do that to them,” Dad growls. “You can’t ruin their lives because he didn’t reciprocate your feelings, Cerise.”

  “Like fuck I can’t. Do you know how long I tried to get him to notice me? How shitty I felt when he’d walk on by like I was fucking invisible?” She huffs a bitter laugh through her nose. “All the girls wanted him, and he damn well knew it, strutting around like the king of that damn school.”

  “No he didn’t,” Dad says quietly. “He didn’t know that. Zeus never believed he was worth anyone’s time.”

  “Oh, rubbish.” She plucks a new cigarette from the packet. “He was so cocky. He knew he was a looker and he made the most of that.”

  “Do you know why he started working out?”

  I frown as I focus on Dad. He’s talking about times he’s never shared with me. All of this is new.

  “Because all you boys did,” Cerise says as she sparks the lighter. “You tried to outdo each other.”

  “When we were sixteen, sure,” Dad scoffs. “But Zeus started when he was fourteen. He worked out with shitty homemade weights until the gyms would let him in as a minor.”

  Cerise frowns, clearly unsure what Dad alludes to.

  “You ever wonder why he couldn’t tolerate your drinking?”

  She makes a dismissive shake of her head.

  “Because his dad was an alcoholic.” Wow. “He began working out the same day he failed to stop his dad from beating on his sister. Made a promise to Sefina to get big enough that nobody could hurt her.” Dad leans forward, frowning as he drills it home to a subdued Cerise. “So imagine how it felt for him when he failed to save her from her husband. Let that soak in, Cerise. And then ask yourself if he truly thought he was all that and then some, because I think you’ll find Zeus is nothing like the man you think he is.”

  I can’t take this anymore. I’m stuck here in the last place I want to be, learning things about the man I love that make me want to hold him tight and tell him that he hasn’t failed me. That he did the best he could, and that I could guarantee his sister knew that.

  I step outside as the timbre of Dad’s voice grows more and more hurt, the sheer anger in his words reverberating off the walls as I close my eyes and relish the cool night air across my face.

  Dad’s lost it. After twenty-one years of being fucked over by her in one way or another, he’s finally had enough.

  I don’t blame him one little bit. Which is why I don’t stop him, don’t try to bring order to the place as he lets out decades of hurt, decades of broken trust.

  A bitter laugh falls from my lips, the sound surprising me somewhat. My mother never wanted me, never planned me, and now… now she’s jealous of what I have. In a cruel twist of fate, her unwanted child ended up with the one thing she wanted most. The one thing she couldn’t strongarm into being hers: Zeus.

  The yelling subsides, the deep resonance of Dad’s voice replaced with the staggered tones of Cerise’s tears. He’s finally done it. Or maybe we both did? For once, my mother has been forced to feel. Forced to face what her hate has done to people.

  It’s about time she learnt what it feels like to care.

  “Get out.” Her growled demand spins me around.

  Dad storms out the door toward where I wait near the truck. “I mean it, Cerise.” He stabs a finger in her direction. “You leave us the hell alone, or so help me.”

  “What, John? What will you do?” She leers from the doorstep, not quite brave enough to come after him.

  The streetlights highlight the moisture still on her cheeks.

  “Maybe it’s not what he’ll do but what I will.” Fucked if I know what I’d do to hurt her, but the threat is valid all the same.

  “Come on, Belle.” Dad stabs the key fob to unlock the truck. “Let’s go.”

  I round the hood of the vehicle and get in my side. The truck rocks as Dad slams his door, and within seconds we’re peeling out her driveway, hitting the road with enough force to jolt me in my seat.

  Dad’s face is a storm, anger still prevalent as he rips through the gears. I don’t know what to say to him, what words I could use to ease his heartache when I’m a living reminder of it.

  Turns out I don’t have to say anything. His face softens, the scowl slipping away as he adjusts himself in the seat, hands wringing the steering wheel.

  “I’m sorry you had to hear all that, sweetheart.”

  I reach across and rest my hand on his knee. “I’m glad I did, Dad. It explains so much. In a way it gives me closure, knowing her reasons for all of this.”

  He eases the truck to the side of the road. A strained sigh comes from him before he rests his head on his arms looped over the steering wheel.

  Seeing your parent upset—it’s odd. How do I fix him? What do I do when he’s always been my rock? I guess I treat him the same as he would me. Dad’s breaths come staggered as I adjust my position so I can reach him properly. One stroke of my hand across his back, and he shakes with the sobs that overtake him. I rub my palm in circles, my tears echoing his as I feel his pain.

  Twenty-one-plus years of lies. The woman he chose to do right by just threw that back in his face tenfold.

  “I’m sorry,” I murmur. “I wish you’d had the life you deserved, not one ruined by her.”

  He draws a deep breath, pulling himself together somewhat. “Belle.” His eyes are bloodshot when he lifts his face to look at me. “I had the life I wanted with you. I wouldn’t trade you for anything.” He swallows. “I’ve got the woman of my dreams now.” His lips curl up on one side. “Despite how I look, I’m happy. I just….” He leans back, head rested on the seat. “I regret so much. There are so many things I would have done different if I’d known.”

  “You can’t change what’s been.” I learnt that early on. “Only move forward.”

  “Yes.” He frowns as he reaches for my hand. “Exactly.” His gaze hardens, determination taking over. “Fuck rules. They were made to be broken, right sweetheart?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m taking you home, Belle. I’m taking you to where you belong.”

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  Zeus

  When the silence of your home drives you crazy, a ride seems the only logical thing to do. My cheeks sting from the bite of the cool air, my lips dry as I lean the bike into my driveway.

  I rode to the outskirts, took a loop down a couple of roads I’ve never ridden before, and ended up passing by the property where Belle went to the party, of all places. Seemed fitting considering she was the only thing on my mind.

  My headlight catches the tail end of John’s work truck as I curl around the large trees at the front of my property. I park the bike, smacking the garage door remote on my way past as I tear into the house. “How did you go?”

  John flattens his lips in a kind of smile as Belle crosses the room to greet me. “Found out why she’s doing it, Z.”

  “Yeah?” I wrap my arms around Belle, concerned at how tight she holds me. “What did I do?”

  “More like, what didn’t you do?”

  “Eh?”

  He leans forward in his seat, hands clasped. “Turns out marrying me meant settling for second best.”

  I cock my head, unsure what he means.

  “She wanted you, mate. Never wanted to be with me. I think I was a means to getting your attention, but it all backfired on her when she fell pregnant with the twins.”

  “Fucking hell,” I whisper, looking to Belle. “Legit?”

  She nods.

  I look to John, conflicted at the news. “I’m sorry, man. I never realised.”
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  “What would you have done?” he says, resigned. “Knowing wouldn’t have changed anything. Except”—he shrugs—“I might not have proposed.”

  We both chuckle, trying in vain to draw some humour in this fucked up situation. Belle pulls out of my arms as John stands, walking him to the door.

  “What now then?” I ask.

  He shakes his head. “We wait and hope she takes the hint, I guess. I’m serious; if she starts this again you tell me and I’ll help pay for a goddamn lawyer. I’ve had enough of her.”

  Belle pushes up on her toes to place a kiss to her old man’s cheek. “Thank you for letting me come with you to talk to her. For finding out the truth for us.”

  “Yeah, well, I still don’t agree with this.” He gestures to us both. “But I also know a good thing when I see it.”

  I could hug the guy if I wasn’t currently opening my arms for his daughter. “Thanks, J.”

  “You look after my baby girl,” he calls on his way out the door. “I’ll look after her bitch of a mother.”

  Belle waves him off, shutting the door behind John before turning with a small smile on her lips.

  “Hey, dove.”

  She nestles into my hold, arms banded tight around my middle. “Hey, babe.”

  “She upset you?”

  She smiles softly. “Of course she bloody upset me.” Her brow twitches into a frown. “Dad said some things about you I didn’t know.”

  “Yeah?” I turn her toward the hallway.

  She stays nestled at my side as we walk. “He told Cerise why you started working out.”

  “Oh.” Outside of John and Jodie, there aren’t many people who know that.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I let her go to turn the living room lights out. “When would I have brought it up? I guess we would have talked about it eventually, dove, but I wasn’t in a hurry.”

  I follow her into the bedroom, stopping behind her to run my palms over her shoulders. She sighs at my touch, leaning back against my front. “There’s so much about you I still don’t know.”

  I choose not say anything, turning Belle to kiss her instead. I’ve got all the time in the world to talk about shit that doesn’t really matter.

  “Where did you go?” she whispers.

  “On the bike?”

  Belle nods, hands clasped either side of my neck.

  “Nowhere, really. Just put tyre to tarmac and cleared my head.” I slide my hands around her waist, hoisting her against me. “I felt hopeless, dove. I felt like I’d failed you.”

  “Zeus….” She rests her forehead against mine, nose to nose. “You’ve never done a single thing to let me down.”

  “I let you go,” I remind her. “I pushed you away and fucking sent you overseas, so how can I have never let you down?”

  “And what did I achieve overseas, huh?” She pulls back, legs wrapped around my hips as she stares into my eyes.

  She’s right, but she’s also wrong. If anything, I’ve learnt that there never is a “right way” when it comes to us. I’ve thought about the past three years plenty, about the months after she finished school. What if I’d never kissed her in that kitchen? What would she have done then? If she’d gone overseas without ever building that connection with me, would she be here now, or would I have truly lost her to another man?

  Who’d fucking know? All I know is that it makes my goddamn head hurt, so it’s easier to keep looking forward.

  “Did I hear your dad right when he said he’s okay with us now?”

  Belle tips her head to the side, brow pinched as though in thought, while I walk us to our room. “I want to say yes, but he never actually said he was okay with it.” She holds my gaze. “He said something funny when we left Cerise’s.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He said he was taking me home.” She smiles as I set her on the bed. “So I thought he meant his house, home, you know?”

  He approves. He may not like it still, but he approves. “This is your home now, dove.”

  “I know.” She slips her arms around my neck with her whispered words, pulling me over top of her. “How cool is that?”

  I return her kiss, yet pull back before she can take things further, one last question still on my mind. “Are you still going to call that douchebag ex of yours?”

  She chuckles beneath me, gaze fixed on her fingers as she weaves them through my hair. “I don’t think so.”

  “Changed your mind?”

  Her warm brown eyes find mine. “Realised that all I need to focus on is right here.” Her hands pat my shoulders as she says it. “I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, with exactly who I’m supposed to be with.”

  I spend the rest of the night telling Belle I feel the same through my touch, echoing her words with my kiss, and stealing what little parts of her remain untouched and keeping them for myself.

  And as she falls asleep with her head on my arm, her leg tangled in mine, I make a promise: Every day with her is a gift, and from here on I’ll treat them as exactly that; something given with sentiment and care, something not to be taken for granted.

  I’ll take each day as it comes and make the most of it, because if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about keeping Belle, it’s that it’ll never be an easy task.

  When you have something as precious as what we do, there’s always somebody out there who wants to steal it away.

  Always.

  TWENTY-NINE

  Belle

  Wade slides across the shop floor on his stool, huge grin on his face as he comes to a stop beside my station.

  “Can I help you?” I tease.

  He leans his elbows on the table between us, linking his fingers beneath his chin. “I have a favour to ask.”

  “Yes?” I watch him from the corner of my eye as I clear away the used paint pots.

  “I know you’re happy doing three days at the moment, but I wondered if you’d like more.”

  “Of course I’d like more.” I stuff the used wipes in the bin. “Hold up. What about Teddy?” Me taking on more days means the old boy I share the chair with would miss out.

  “He’s retiring.”

  “Eh?” I mean I don’t talk to the guy, but you’d think somebody would have said something.

  “Mm-hmm.” Wade’s eyes crinkle with his smile. “Either five or six days, up to you.”

  “Five, at least.” I spin to face him. “Let me talk to Zeus, and maybe I’d do six.”

  He nods to the sketches that peek out of my bag. “New work?”

  “Yep.” I pull the book out and set it on the table between us.

  He turns it, inspecting the mandala themed chest piece. “Simple, but detailed all the same. Nice.” He passes the sketchbook back. “And nowhere near as dark as your last print.” Wade flashes a wink as he wheels away.

  I chuckle to myself and finish up cleaning down what is now going to be my full-time station. I shouldn’t get myself excited until it’s set in stone, but fuck yes! Finally, things are settling down to how I imagined them to be.

  I pull my phone out to check for a message from Zeus. Sure enough, he sent one on his last break.

  Z: Hey, dove. Looks like you have to walk home again sorry ☹

  He picks me up on his way home when he can, but the new job has kept him busy this week. He said that it was the same hours for more pay, and so far, it’s not. But I don’t have the heart to bring it up when he gets in since he’s so damn tired.

  B: See you at home, babe. Leaving now x

  I plug my headphones in and crank up my music as I head down the street. To be honest, the walk is nice. Time to clear my head, exercise to get the blood pumping. Yet as I turn down our street my head swims, forcing me to stop until my balance comes right.

  Must be hungry. More often than not I forget to eat when I’m immersed in a piece. Low blood sugar seems the most likely excuse, and great justification for a sneaky biscuit or two as soon as I walk in the
door, which appears to ease the problem.

  “Home, babe,” Zeus calls down the hallway when he gets in an hour after me.

  I drop my sketchbook onto the sofa and bound up the hallway to greet him, frowning when the weak feeling returns. “Heya.”

  He strips his work clothes off, grinning at me over his shoulder as I stand in the doorway, blatantly eye-fucking him.

  He’s pushing forty, but in my opinion there’s no man like him. I don’t care about the lines that creep in around his eyes, the signs of ageing that are hard to deny. I look at Zeus and I see the man I fell in love with way before I knew what that love would become, the man who’d come and sit with me whenever Jodie and he came to visit, the man who would then be the voice of reason when Dad struggled through my teen years.

  I see the selflessness, the care, and most of all the undying need to protect those he loves.

  He thinks he’s this washed-up ex-criminal, that his history defines who he is, but he couldn’t be more wrong.

  “What?” he asks, before squeezing past me as he places a chaste kiss to my lips.

  I follow him up the hall to our room, flopping onto the side of the bed while Zeus finds clean clothes to throw on. “I have good news.”

  He turns briefly to cock an eyebrow at me.

  “Wade offered me extra days at the shop.”

  “Yeah?” His smile is infectious. “That’s awesome.”

  “I know, right? I’m hoping I’ll have enough to start the studio within a few months.”

  He frowns, reaching out to pull me to my feet. “What else do you need to save for?”

  “The sterilising equipment, most of all. That shit is expensive.”

  “Hmm.” I’m pulled against his front. “You know, I could put the Barracuda on hold and help out.”

  “No.” I slap a hand to his chest. “That’s your baby, Zeus. This is mine.” Speaking of babies. “I have bad news too.”

  He frowns, and then places a kiss to my forehead. “How bad?”

  “Coming home threw me out of whack and I forgot to get my injection.”

  “Your injection.” His frown deepens.